”One time, a guy jumped up on the counter and did a strip tease, then grabbed a strand of lottery tickets and wrapped them around himself like a loincloth and ran around the store for ten minutes, singing “Mmm Bop” and sweeping everything off the shelves with a broom.I managed to knock him out with a jar of pickles and call the cops before he could destroy the whole place. My job was to log into a guy’s online dating profile and send messages to girls I thought he would find attractive.
Do you want to hike deep in to the Ecuadorian rainforest, until parts of your body you didn’t know existed are dripping sweat, and find a Shaman who will guide you on an Ayahuasca-fueled journey of self-discovery? Maybe you want to backpack across England and pretend you’re Arwen the elf.
If so, some guy who loves Tolkien is going to message you and say, “I’ll be Aragorn and we can walk across England together.” The two of you would then go to a Middle Earth convention for your first date and share some of that good herb from the Shire and have awesome sex with simultaneous orgasms and BAM! Even the seemingly mundane, everyday things that you adore– the things you think no one else notices much less cares about– can be engaging and unique if you describe your relationships to them in detail.
If you really do love your job and you really are awesome at it, tell everyone why: I work for Victoria’s Secret and I single-handedly increased the company’s profits by $40 million dollars the first year I worked there because I can tell in one glance exactly what size and style of miracle bra will make a woman look fantastic no matter what her body type.
This year, I’m gonna teach everyone on my team to do it!
Let them take for granted that you’re a decent, sane human being and move on to what makes you .
It can be as easily taken for granted as your love for your family. And by the way, if you live in Portland, Oregon, and your dating profile says you like coffee, you should be deleted, not just from Plenty of Fish or Ok Cupid, but from the planet, because you are the least creative person in the universe.
I’ve been addicted to coffee ever since because it gives me super intense flashbacks. Don’t just write “I like books.” Pick at least one author without whose words you would actually consider becoming a serial killer, and tell everyone why you like them so much.
For example: My entire existence dissolved in an agonizing mix of chills and tears the first time I read this: “We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave…
If you think it involves owning 200 pairs of shoes and a Mercedes and spending nine hours a night talking on the phone with your friends while watching old episodes of “Gossip Girl,” you should unpack that nonsense in detail, in advance, because the guy who thinks a woman who lives in a van and tours the country playing fiddle in an Irish punk band doesn’t want to waste time trying to get to know you only to find out he can’t stand you.